UMKC article

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Slow and steady may win the race, but you’d be surprised how far drunk and desperate can get you.

On Friday the 28th, Buzzard Beach held a bicycle tournament to find out who has the best inebriated cycling skills in Westport.

The event was sponsored by KC sprints 2011, which is a group of enthusiasts around KC who put on simulated bike races.

The seedy atmosphere of Buzzard helped to create a laid-back, contented feeling during the contest. Bar patrons were amused by the antics. Many were cheering riders on vehemently and drunkenly spewing swear words even more fervently.

Two riders face off. Each mounts their bike, one facing the other. The front wheel of each is gone, and the whole bike frame is held in place, fastened by bolts. The rear wheel of each bike rests between two stainless steel cylinders. The cyclist’s pedaling turns the bike’s wheel, which, in turn, spins the cylinders. The whole apparatus is hooked up to a machine that calculates the riders’ speeds and distances.

The competition was fierce, but it came down, as all races do, to the last two riders. They were known only by their aliases. TWA and Black.
Each rider, drenched in sweat, threw off his shirt, exposing a healthy grouping of muscles beneath.

TWA looked ready for anything. His eyes remained calm as a lake on a windless day while his back tattoo seemed to beg for freedom from the skin that held it captive.
But Black just sat as if a stoic God. His legs were all the strength he need command. Like tree-trunks, they were rooted fast to his bike’s stirrups. No sooner had the race begun than was its glorious victor shaking TWA’s hand, commending him for putting up as much of a fight as he had.

As the tournament slowed to a stop, hands were placed on the bare back of TWA, consolingly patting away. Then, promptly, those hands were whisked back and wiped clean of the rider’s slimy sweat on everything from tee shirts to skin-tight jeans.
After Black was announced the winner, friends rushed up to congratulate him. Fist bumping took place between sips of delicious yellow nectar housed within aluminum Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) cans.

During the competition, free PBR Stuff We All Get (SWAG) was being handed out. Most popular among the SWAG was a hand-cranked bicycle bell, the kind that goes ka-ching, ka-ching, with the PBR logo emblazoned on it by way of sticker. Ringing could be heard throughout the dive bar, and certainly throughout all of Westport that Friday night.

More than anything the event at Buzzard on Friday promoted bicycling in general.
A great deal of Kansas-Citians rely on their 2-wheeled machines on a daily basis to make it to school or work on time. The more places like Buzzard Beach can feature bicycle-related events, the more Kansas City can move towards a more bike-friendly future. And I’ll drink to that.
-Sam Towns

It also has been confirmed that our next Kansas City race will be March 25th at the Buzzard Beach (yes again, god bless the Buzzard Beach). If you missed the last one be sure you make out this time. Again on Critical Mass night. See you ladies there...

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